Jokes A few elephant jokes...   What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants in the distance? "Look, a herd of elephants in the distance"   What did Eric Cantona say when he saw the herd of elephants in the distance? "Voila les elephants!"   What did the elephants say when they saw Tarzan in the distance? Nothing, elephants can't talk.   Why do elephants float down the river on their backs? So they won't get their trainers wet.   What did Tarzan say when the elephants came over the hill with trainers on? Nothing. He didn't hear them.   What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants with sunglasses? Nothing. He doesn't recognize them.   Why did the elephants wear sunglasses? With all these silly jokes going around, would YOU want to be recognized?   What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of giraffes in the distance? "Haha! You fooled me once with those disguises, but not this time!"   What is the difference between an elephant and a grape? An elephant is grey.   What does Jane say when she sees a herd of elephants in the distance? "Look! A herd of grapes in the distance" (Jane was colourblind)   How can you tell the difference between a grape and an elephant if you're colourblind? Dance on it for a while. If you don't get any wine, it's an elephant.   If you see an elephant in your car, what time is it? Time to get a new car.   How do you get four elephants into a Mini? Two in the front, two in the back.   What is more difficult than getting an elephant into the back seat of your Mini? Getting TWO elephants into the back seat of your Mini!   What game do four elephants in a Mini play? Squash   What did the fifth elephant in the Mini discover? The sun roof.   The Lion (king of the animals) gathered all the animals for a meeting. All of them came except the elephants. Why? They were stuck in the Mini.   How many giraffes can you fit in a Mini? None, the elephants are in there.   How do you get an elephant into a Mini? Open the car door, put the elephant inside, close the door.   How do you put an elephant into a fridge? Open the Mini door, take the elephant out, close the Mini door, open the fridge, put the elephant inside, close the fridge.   How do you get an elephant into the fridge? 1. Open door. 2. Insert elephant. 3. Close door.   How do you get a giraffe into the fridge? 1. Open door. 2. Remove elephant. 3. Insert giraffe. 4. Close door.   How do you know there are two elephants in your fridge? The door won't close.   How do you know there are three elephants in your fridge? There'll be one waiting outside in the Mini.   How do you know if there are 4 elephants in your fridge? There's a Mini parked outside it.   How do you know if there are 5 elephants in your fridge? Can't get the fridge door closed.   How many elephants can you actually put in a fridge? Depends on the number of elephants.   Why are there so many elephants running around free in the jungle? The fridge isn't large enough to hold them all.   How can you tell that an elephant has been in your fridge? By the footprints in the butter.   Why do elephants wear shoes with yellow soles? So that they can hide upside-down in bowls of custard.   Did you ever find an elephant in your custard? No? Well, it must work then.   Why do elephants live in herds? To get a wholesale reduction on the shoes with yellow soles.   How do you know Tarzan is in the fridge? You can hear Tarzan scream OYOYOYOIYOIYOOOOOO   How do you get two Tarzans in the fridge? You can't, silly. There's only one Tarzan.   Why did the elephant fall out of the tree? Because it was dead.   Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree? It was glued to the first one.   Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree? It thought it was a game.   And why did the tree fall down? It thought it was an elephant.   How do you get an elephant out of a tree? Stand it on a leaf and wait until Autumn.   Why are crocodiles long, thin, and flat? They walk under trees in Autumn.   Why do elephants paint their toenails red? To hide in cherry trees.   Ever see an elephant in a cherry tree? No? See, it works!   Why do elephants hide in cherry trees? So they can jump out and stamp on people.   Why do elephants stamp on people? They like the squishy feeling between their toes.   What's the loudest noise in the jungle?  A pygmy eating cherries. What's the fastest thing in the jungle? A monkey carrying a bunch of cherries.   Speaking of Tarzan, he was never very bright to begin with, and after recovering from that unfortunate cherry picking incident, ...   How did Tarzan die? Picking cherries.   What do you call two elephants on a bicycle? Optimistic   How do you know if there is an elephant in the pub? It's bike is outside.   How do you know if there are two elephants in the pub? There is a dent in the crossbar.   How do you know if there are three elephants in the pub? Stand on the bike and have a look in the window.   Why don't elephants usually ride bicycles? They don't have thumbs to ring the bells.   How do you get an elephant on top of an oak tree? Stand him on an acorn and wait fifty years.   What if you don't want to wait fifty years? Parachute him from an aeroplane.   Why isn't it safe to climb oak trees between 2 and 4 in the afternoon? Because that is when the elephants practise their parachute jumping.   What is a furry alligator? A bear that went into the woods at 3 o'clock.   Why are elephants feet shaped that way? To fit on lily pads.   Why isn't it safe to go onto the lily pads between 4 and 6 in the afternoon? That's when the elephants are walking on the lily pads.   Why are frogs so short? They go onto the lily pads between 4 and 6 in the afternoon.   Why are pygmies so short? They can't tell time.   What is that stuff between elephants' toes? Pygmies without watches.   How do you smuggle an elephant across the border? Put a slice of bread on each side, and call him 'lunch'.   "An elephant is a mouse with a Microsoft operating system"   Why are elephants wrinkled? Ever tried to iron one?   How many legs does an elephant have? Four, two in the front, two in the back.   Why did the elephant cross the road? Chicken's day off.   What was the elephant doing on the motorway? About 5 mph   What do you get if you take an elephant into the city? Free parking.   What do you get if you take an elephant into work? Sole use of the lift.   Why do elephants wear tiny green hats? To sneak across a snooker table without being seen.   Why do elephants wear sandals? So that they don't sink in the sand.   Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground? To look for the elephants who forgot to wear their sandals.   What do you get if you cross an elephant with a whale? A submarine with a built-in snorkel.   How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed? Your nose is touching the ceiling.   How do you know if there's an elephant in your bed? He has a big 'E' on his pyjama jacket pocket.   Why do ducks have flat feet? From stamping out forest fires.   Why do elephants have flat feet? From stamping out flaming ducks.   How can you tell when an elephant is getting ready to charge? He asks if you accept Visa.   How do you stop an elephant from charging? Take away his credit card.   How many elephants does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two, but you need a real big bulb.   What has two tails, two trunks and five feet? An elephant with spare parts   What do you give a seasick elephant? Lots of room.   What happens when an elephant sits in front of you at the movies? You miss most of the picture.   What is beautiful, grey and wears glass slippers? Cinderelephant.   What do you get if you cross an elephant with a kangaroo? Great big holes all over Australia.   What kind of elephants live at the North Pole? Cold ones.   Why do elephants have trunks? Because they'd look silly carrying suitcases.   What is convenient and weighs 20,000 pounds? An elephant sixpack.   What is the difference between an Indian and an African elephant? About three thousand miles.   What do elephants take when they get hysterical? Trunkquilizers.   What is grey, has large wings, a long nose, and gives money to elephants? The Tusk Fairy.   Where do elephants with skincare problems go? Pachydermatologists.   What's red and white on the outside, and grey on the inside? Campbell's Cream of Elephant Soup.   Why do elephants have flat feet? From jumping out of trees.   What's grey and never needs ironing? A drip-dry elephant.   What's yellow on the outside and grey on the inside? An elephant disguised as a banana.   What's big and grey and has 16 wheels? An elephant on roller skates.   What weighs 4 tons and is bright red? An elephant holding its breath.   What's grey and wrinkly and jumps every 20 seconds? An elephant with hiccups.   What goes up slowly and comes down quickly? An elephant in a lift.   What's grey but turns red? An embarrassed elephant.   What's grey and lights up? An electric elephant.   Why are elephants grey? So you can tell them apart from flamingoes.   Why are elephants wiser than chickens? Have you ever heard of Kentucky Fried Elephant?   What do you get if you cross a chicken with an elephant? I don't know what you'd call it, but Colonel Sanders would have some fun trying to dip it into the batter, wouldn't he?   What did the grape say to the elephant? Nothing, grapes can't talk.   What did the grape say when the elephant stood on it? Nothing, it just let out a little wine.   How do you get an elephant into a matchbox? Take all the matches out first.   Why don't elephants make good dancers? They have two left feet.   What game do elephants play with ants? Squash.   What do you call a mouse that can pick up an elephant? Sir.

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